Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
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DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
brian had himself a morning…
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.