*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
You Might Also Like
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.