She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
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I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.