Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
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hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?