I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
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How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]