DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
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Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
mechanics be like
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Blew out my flip flop…
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer