Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Risking my life for fun.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.