Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!