The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
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Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out