Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
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things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang