50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Some people were born into their job.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Whoa 😂