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That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.