Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
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WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
There’s no “u” in narcissist
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.