Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
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3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies