When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Not😆🤣
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I saw nothing
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.