“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
You Might Also Like
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I wish this was real life…
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.