Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
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YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave