[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
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How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop