[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I’m giving up ice.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
When the stylist spins you back around
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me