I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
You Might Also Like
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils