*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The Book. The Movie.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Squirrels before girls.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.