God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
That lamp looks PISSED.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!