2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
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I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.