*performs CPR on the turkey*
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People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?