[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
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When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Favourite diary entry ever
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over