I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
He a real one for that
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”