I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
🙂🙃🥹
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.