Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.