Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*