For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
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I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
A double negative is a big no-no.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
rapatouille
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”