My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
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statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Happy thanksgiving!
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree