I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
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Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.