Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
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How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My patience has stretch marks.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired