My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
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Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”