I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
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FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.