Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
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“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
smartest karate player in the world
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug