[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.