Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler