Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
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A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.