when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.