I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok