*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
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my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I’m literally crying
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.