me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
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Lmfaoooooo
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.