Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
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my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.