this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
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Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
finally found a reasonable question
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?