*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
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I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening