priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
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Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
No laws when master is gone
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti