Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!