Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.