My guardian angel deserves a raise
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My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?